Posts Tagged "silly shit"

Friday Fluff – The World Be Small

Remember the Friday Fluff craze that swept the nation?  Lisa from Seeking Elevation started it, if I rightly recall.  I was feeling the need for a fluffier life and thought this might just be exactly what the doctor ordered.  Except I couldn’t get it together to look for a quiz, so I went and stole Lisa’s.  Which goes to show you that crime really does pay.

This week’s survey was created by some nameless, faceless weirdo.  A moment of silence for the unspoken homie.

flowers, purple, painting, simple, canvas - Purple Flowers II

Art by elisaann


Which word did you say first, mama or dada?
My mom has very little information for me as to my early years.  I do know that I liked strawberry pop in my bottle and I had little to no hair until I was three.

How old were you when you learned to walk?
I’m going to assume before age five, which is the earliest I think I can remember anything.  Pretty useless things like what the ceiling of our town home looked like.  I liked to lay on the floor and imagine what it would be like to live on the ceiling as pristine and white as it was.  Clearly there were some troubling issues early on.

What was your first pet’s name?
Dandy.  It was a bird.  My mom thinks I named it that because I missed my dad.  Dandy/Daddy.  I hope so because if not it is one dumb fucking name.

How many kids were in your class in kindergarten?
Holy fuck, really?  I do remember that I went the the New School in Omaha, NE for kindergarten.  It was a badass hippie school with a reading loft and a slide.  I also remember going upstairs to the library there and getting shivved in the ankle with a pencil by some doucheblanket.  I still have the lead market.  See?  Issues.

What was your third grade teachers name?
Miss Bradley.  She was a total goddess in my eyes.  She took us on adjective walks and she took care of the horses(one of the actual perks of growing up in a hippie commune/religious cult was having horses to ride on an awesome campus in Malibu).  I loved her so very much.  She died.  Later, I mean.  But still too young.  She was kind to me.  That was unusual for those times.

What do you remember most from when you were 5?
All that New School business, I guess.  Also, I remember having a herd of imaginary horses that I would exercise daily in the cul-de-sac behind our house.  They all had names and different places they liked to run.  #seeingapattern

Who was your best friend in elementary?
We moved to Cali when I was in third grade.  After that, Alyssa Bogan and Christina Wolberd.  They are still lovely and amazing women.  Before that, Ted Eiel and David Rosen.  The dudes I lost track of along the way, but my dear old friend Google just re-intro’d me to them.  And they also seem lovely and amazing.  And pretty damn interesting.  The world is just too damn small.

Where was your mom working when you started jr.high
In the kitchen at Camelot.

What was the name of your first real bf/gf?
Bf – Stewart.  Gf – Tiffany.  It’s way less porn-ish than it sounds.

How old when you got your first kiss?
Six.  Seven.  It wasn’t all that memorable.

Who was your favorite teacher in jr high?
Mr. Melchor.  Let me tell you I am having a roller coaster ride down memory lane tonight, y’all.  First Ted and David with their bigger than life lives and now Mr. Melchor is on the FB?  And he said he remembers me, although he is probably too kind to say otherwise.

As a teacher, he ruled the school.  There wasn’t a student that didn’t think he was amazeballs.  He played games and told stories and made the history come alive and stick to your ribs so you could not only pass tests, but retain facts for years to come.  He used to tell stories at lunch in the cafeteria to thongs of kids.  The Odyssey, The Red Badge of Courage.  And he was kind to me.  Again, that was a rarity  for me when it came to adults.  Most figured me as the hell in a handbasket type.  But not him.  Best.Teacher.Ever.

What was the worst thing you did at 13?
I got expelled from the church/cult.  I don’t really remember what the straw was that done me in, but we had longstanding beef.  Whatever I did, I know it didn’t deserve expulsion and ex-communication.  It was probably for the best, but still felt shitty to be sent away from my mom and sis and all my friends.

What song reminds you of summer vacation ?

Oh, there was dancing and lip syncing.  Oh yes.  There was.

What do you remember most about jr.high?
That is was clearly the ninth circle of hell.  Also a lot of counseling heart-broken peeps longing for each other in a circular pattern so no one could ever really be together and happy.  Also, puberty.  It made the ninth circle look good.

Who was the best athlete in your freshman class?
My freshman class was me, two dorks and a foreign exchange student.  Spin the wheel.
What teacher did all the highshcool boys have a crush on?
Oh god, the idea of that is horrible.  There was no hotness on either side of the gender divide.
What subject did the best teacher teach in high school?
I’m going to go with either a)Jungian therapy or b) Ecstasy because I a)didn’t go to high school, b)spent most of the years between 16 and 18 in a mental hospital for depression and family problems(That was a diagnosis.  The 80′s were kind to shrinks.  Mine had a DeLorean.) and c)was spun from doing X the previous night the day I took the ACT’s(still got a 34, bitches).
Would you rather relive elementary. jr high. or highshcool?
Elementary.  Pre-cult preferably.

What was the last name of the person that you disliked in highschool?
Lee.  First name Sunshine.  She was evil.  She read my Hello Kitty diary.  Why did I have a Hello Kitty diary in the first place?  I was 12 and living in a dorm at my cult, people.  Not a lot of rationality to be found round those parts.

She read all this stuff I wrote about how mean she was and it got even worse.  Then I wrote all kinds of sunshine up the ass about Sunshine and left it out so she would read it.  She was nice after that and we eventually became friends.  I still miss her.  Google can’t find her.

If you could change anything in your teenage years what would you change?
I was mean to some people.  I really regret that.  I wish I could change it, take it back, make it better.  But I can’t.  And if it’s not helping them, you have to lay off.  Forgiveness isn’t a given.

Also, I wouldn’t peg my jeans.  So lame.

Greatest moment of your highshcool days?
Ecstasy.   Don’t do drugs, kids.  M’kay?

Worst moment?
Every other moment.  The culmination probably being the final goodbye, ex-communication thingie.

Was highschool your best yrs or is now your time?

Um, no.  I’m pretty sure it’s tomorrow.
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Saturday Fluff – HYE

Remember the Friday Fluff craze that swept the nation?  Lisa from Seeking Elevation started it, if I rightly recall.  I was feeling the need for a fluffier life and thought this might just be exactly what the doctor ordered.  Except I couldn’t get it together on Friday, so….

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This week’s survey was created by some weirdo on Myspace.  Is Myspace even a thing anymore?  I thought the mighty boot of Mark Zuckerberg had annihilated it from this plane of existence.  Maybe that was just an unconscious desire.

flowers, purple, painting, simple, canvas - Purple Flowers II

Art by elisaann

Have you ever:
Gotten a Brazillian Wax?
Yes.  I love a good Brazilian.  Of course now I’m old/gross/married/a mother and don’t have the time and/or inclination.  I used to go to Tsunami Day Spa on the Upper East with my girl E, but Wax On in Ptown was a revelation.  No more holding your legs in the air while having hair ripped from your bits.  They have their technique down.  They’re also all super kewt Portland girls and they have a bottle of whiskey in the waiting area for pain relief or as courage aid.

Open a Star Burst with your Tounge?
Why would you even try this?  I am not a fan of fruit even in candy form.  I would much rather have a Tootsie Roll(or 20), but I would never try to unwrap it that way.  Gross.

Had a Spit Ball Fight?
Ugh, I think once in 4th grade.  Gross.

Peed in a Pool?
I can honestly say not lately.

Laughd so Hard you Cried?
On the plane to Houston the other day my kid was chatting up the folks behind us as we waited to exit.  Started off the convo by asking the woman how her day was.  This is from my three-year-old, y’all.  They asked him all the ushe questions, fave color, name, age.  He asked the guy who told him 5-3.  The kid said, that’s old.  Then he said, my dad’s hair fell out and he’s old.  I cried.  I choked.  SO awesome.

Drank Something that Came out your Nose?
Gross.  Who the fuck does that?

Cooked Something Without Burning it?
Ever?  Yes.  I don’t think I’ve ever really burned anything I’ve cooked except maybe bagels because they never fit in the damn toaster.  I did drop my husband’s cookie crust for his birthday fruit pizza as I took it out of the oven.  And then had to go to two stores to buy more cookie dough.

Gotten So Drunk you Couldnt Remember WTF you Did?
So many more times than should even be mentioned.  Typically a large part of drug and alcohol addiction.  The stuff I remember is bad enough.  Thank stuff and junk for brain damage.
Been on a Boat Without Getting Sea Sick?
I got married on a cruise to Alaska two year ago and never got sick.  But I do get sick at the movies, on planes and spinning my kid in circles.  Getting old is for the birds.
Watch the Sun Come Up?
Again, I saw a lot of sunrises in the drunken days.  Through a haze of smoke, substances and regret.  Otherwise, not lately.  I am a sleep miser.

Cut your Wrist?
This just got too real, yo.

Lost a Sock in the Laundry?
And now, not so real.
Held a Snake?
Heh heh.

Went a Week Without Takeing a Shower/Changeing your Clothes?
You know, probably.  Depression is a motherfucker.  There wasn’t always a lot of cleansing going on in conjunction.

Been Called a Bitch?
If you haven’t been called a bitch at some point, you’re doing something wrong.  Or really right.
How about a Fag?
Not that I’m aware of, but I really hate that word.  I did call Lisa one, but purely for the sake of comedy.

My bestie’s ex-husband once spread a rumor we were a lesbian couple because holy shit, who wouldn’t have wanted to be married to him?  Answer: every woman I know.  But I don’t know that the word queer was involved.  I actually love that word and would be cool with being called it, especially as a synonym for eccentric or odd.  Odd people are the coolest.

Not to my face.

I’ve been called a slore many times, but I think that means she loves me.

See above.

Had a Bf/Gf?
I have had bf’s, but I’m married now so I don’t have to worry about that nonsense.  I once had a gf too and she was lovely and my bff, but the whole vagina thing ended up being a deal-breaker for me.  She was way too good for me anyway.

Went Golfing?
I took golf lessons and then promptly got preggers and was unable, due to massive instability, to hone my craft.  So, no.

Had Jello Shots?
Yes.  Gross.  I like my drinks in liquid form.  Except for maybe pudding shots.

Source: via Lucid on Pinterest

Had a Big Crush but they didnt Like You Back?
Oh yeah.  I have one now.  His name is Ewan McGregor and he’ll probably love me someday.

Pierced Anything?
My nose once upon a time and an undetermined amount of ear piercings.  I never even wear a single pair.  Because I’m old, y’all.  Too old and tired to mess with things such as those.

Had a Tattoo?
I have five.  I’m done now.  I like all of them, but wish I hadn’t added on to the one on my wrist.  I love the lotus on my foot like whoa.

Smoked a Ciggarette?

Good lord, I smoked for 20 years until I quit 8 years ago(OLD).  I loved every minute of it, but quit when I developed Reynaud’s.  Hardest thing I ever did.  Best thing I ever did.  I am now the worst kind of human – a reformed smoker.  I can sniff it out and I am not amused.

Smoked Weed?
Gross.  I hate weed.  I smoked it a few times and once had a psychotic episode while smoking on lithium.  Not so much fun as horrific.  Kinda turned me off of it for life.

Went Over your cell minutes?
My husband went over his texts and we had to bump him up to unlimited, but we hardly use the phone minutes.

Drank a RedBull?
Gross.  They reek.  My husband likes to drink them in the car on long road trips and they make me want to barf.

Sang karaoke?
No.  I am far too chickenhearted for that.

Workd Out At a Gym?
Yes, but not recently.  I need to get back.  I need to be a hamster on a wheel and kick this sciatica out of my ass.
Toilet Papered Someones House?
I think we did once upon a time, but I’m not sure if it was real life or a movie.
Made a Funny Video?
My mom just told me about a cassette tape(OLD) that I made as a child about some color experiment I was doing and an audio letter to my dad in which I told him I thought he was a millionaire.  Does that count?
Made a sex video?
Trust is defined as: knowing there is a sex video out there and that it’s in the right hands.

Made Fun Of Somebody and got caught?
I’ve been caught talking smack about someone, but not making fun of them.  Either way, you’re the shitheel in the equation.

Got spanked By your Parents?
Yes.  I don’t spank my kid because of it.  At least something good came from it.

Stolen Your Familys Car?
I technically stole my sister’s car when she was out of town to move my stuff out of my apartment.  She was very upset.  Again, I was the shitheel.  It was kind of my role in the family.
I also tried to talk my bestie into stealing her parents car and driving to Vegas.  She was not a shitheel so my idea was rebuffed.
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Friday Fluff – What I Am is Weirdo

Remember the Friday Fluff craze that swept the nation?  Lisa from Seeking Elevation started it, if I rightly recall.  I was feeling the need for a fluffier life and thought this might just be exactly what the doctor ordered.

This week’s survey was created by some Weirdo.  Not me.  A completely unrelated weirdo.

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flowers, purple, painting, simple, canvas - Purple Flowers II

Art by elisaann


How tall are you barefoot?

About an inch shorter than I used to be.  I was 5′ 9″ at my last physical.  I’ve been 5′ 10″ since I was twelve.  Bodies are weird.

Have you ever smoked heroin?

What the huh?  No.  But I was a cokehead in a former life.  Or earlier in this one.  Pretty glad I never went there or I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be here.

Do you own a gun?

Um, no.  Despite living in Texas for many a year I do not now, nor will I ever, own a gun.  Do you people read the statistics?  How much more likely you are to be shot with your own gun by an intruder?  Or the accidental shooting stats?  Guns don’t kill people, the dumbasses who buy guns kill people.


Is that an offer?  I’ll pass on that today.  Been there, done that.  Thank all the stuffs.  Sixteen years and counting.  If you’re considering it and you’re on the fence, my vote is you give it a whirl.  My life has been forever changed.  For the better  too.  You can do it.  I believe in you.

Do you get nervous before


What do you think of your friends?

I think my friends kick ass.  I think my friends are glorious and flawed and silly and brilliant.  I think that life would be a lot, well, less without them.  I think they have limitless potential.  I think I’ll keep them.

What’s your favorite Christmas song?

I really, really love Christmas.  Like Clark Griswold type love, y’all.  And I love the accompanying music just as much.  So it’s hard to pick one song.  I love Joy to the World because it reminds me of my Gramma Mary and her joyful nature.  Dripping with the wist and nostalgia, Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas makes me bawl every year.  But it’s Ray Conniff’s We Wish You a Merry Christmas album that really brings home the spirit for me.

What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

Water.  And then a little more water.  I had to give up coffee due to that pesky addictive personality thing I’ve got going on.  When I got sober, I started drinking a pot in the am and pm with multiple ventis in between.  You think I might have been trying to replicate a cocaine high?   Every now and then I’ll order a black, decaf iced coffee because I love it so.  I get wired every time.  From decaf.  And not in a good way.

Do you do push-ups?

Have you seen me lately?  Hell to the no would be an understatement.

Have you ever done ecstacy?

*shaky granny voice*  I remember the good old days when X was called X and it was cut with heroin.  Ah, youth.  And heroin.  Good times.  Really.  They were really, really good times.  Except the day after.  That serotonin dip was a killer.

Are you vegitarian?

This is me, acting as if I don’t see your glaring spelling errors.  Lalala, it doesn’t bother me.  Not AT ALL.

Yes, I am a vegetarian.  Grew up that way and loathe the texture of meat.  Also, have you seen like any food exposé ever?  Grody to the max, yo.  I prefer to eat myself into the diabeets with the excessive sugar I consume to Mad Cow Disease eating my brainstem.

Do you like painkillers?

I am beginning to think that this Quizmaster is either:

a)A drug seeker feeling me out to see if I’m holding.

b)A drug dealer feeling me out to see if I’d like to cop.

c)Hunter S. Thompson

d)Obsessed with Hunter S. Thompson

But actually, no.  I never liked the downers.  Except the downer that disguises itself as an upper – alcohol.  We depressed lot like to go upwards with our substances, or at least this depressed lot did.

I was given 30 vicodin when I had knee surgery two years ago.  I took exactly one-half.  I took one more last year when my sciatica flared up.  They are now expired.  I had to ask my doctor for more for our seven day drive to Texas which is not not happening.  That convo was super fun.  I felt like a total drug seeker.  Oh yeah, I never take that stuff.  I never even take ibuprofen.  I just need some drugs in the case I get a flare up while driving.  Which is all totally true, but not very convincing.  At least to a former addict.

What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?


What time did you wake up today?

2:45.  5:17.  6:50.  8:00.  11:30.  The first four times were because my kid hadn’t pooped in three days and his guts hurt and kept waking him.  The last time was because my husband let me sleep in because my kid had me up all night not pooping.  Motherhood is a glamorous thing.

Current worry?

Getting the Trifecta post done and getting to bed before 2:45.

Current hate?

My bestie used to tell me I shouldn’t hate anything.  I think that’s good advice although at the time I totally fucking hated it.

I don’t know…tomatoes?  Bigotry and small-mindedness?  Poor spelling?

Do you own slippers?

Do you burn or tan?

I used to tan.  Now nothing really happens at all.  Which I blame on Oregon.  It’s hard to be affected in any way by the sun when it doesn’t exist where you are.

What songs do you sing in the shower?

I’m not a shower singer.  I’m a shower talk-to-myself-er.  If my husband’s home, I maintain an inner dialogue.  Don’t judge me, it’s only a problem if someone else starts talking back.

How many TVs do you have in your house?

Three.  They are all ridiculously large thanks to my husband owning a penis.  We only use the main one and I use it more than anyone.  Because I love me some teevee.  I really want to say something about how much I love One Tree Hill, but I have called a temporary moratorium lest y’all think I am even more of a weirdo than I actually am.  But seriously:

Do you wish on stars?

Yes.  I do all that stuff.  Stars, eyelashes, falling stars.  I am all about the superstition.  There is magic out there.  I still believe it to be true.

What song do/did you want played at your wedding?

I got married on a cruise to Alaska sans music, but this was on our wedding CD.

What song do you want played at your funeral?

I know I’ve answered this before, but I’m too lazy busy to check.  You’re welcome.

Do you love someone?


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This Drama Ain't From Yo Mama

It’s from my dad.  Or was sent to me by him anyway.  He’s actually pretty mellow and laid back.  And he’s retired now, so double that chill factor.  Which is really the way to go, if you can get there.  But manufactured drama can be happy magic fun times on occasion.  Enjoy, y’all.  Happy freakin weekend.

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I Is Writer Now?

Hey-ay, ho-o, I am an ACW(making this happen)!  Otherwise known as an official community writer for the Hillsboro Argus if you’re nasty.  Or nice.  We serve both at this table.  Check me out and feel free to suggest any topics you think I should tackle.

So now’s the time when I start my little song and dance, my distraction extraordinaire to help you forget the lack of drivel I have been perpetrating upon the internets of late.  How about a little music to climb right down through your auricle and into the organ of Corti in your cochlea.  Otherwise known as the hearing hairs on your inner ear.  Bam, knowledged ya.  Now back to the 80′s with you.

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And now, because apparently what I do when I have no time(asshole alert), inclination(sloth alert) or properly functioning synapses(Alzheimer’s alert) is get scared and throw my kid at you, here are some randoms from the mouth of a frakkin awesome, red-haired, silly-headed hell beast.

When I asked the kid what show he wanted to watch he said, Nicky Nuts.  When I asked him what it was about he said, a couch.  When I asked him where he got it from he said, the world.  I mean, obvi Mommy.
Tasia is my friend.
Really?  What does she look like?
A jellyfish.
What does that look like?
What’s your favorite word?
Metro Man and Stinky Pete.

And no, this does not make me a mommy blogger.  Dear sweet everysinglething, I’m not a mommy blogger, am I?  Fuck.   Now Imma throw some gangsta lite up in yo grill.  Assuring that I am, indeed, a motherfucking mommy blogger.  But I don’t know any gansta rap.  Except for Geto Boys.  Holding it down, H-town stylo.  Be forewarned, dudes is gangsta.  They will mos def offend.  Since I’m not really much of a gangland afficienado, I’ll play to my wheelhouse with this clip.  Which I cannot embed, but you really should click if you revel in nerditry and humor.  If not, skip through til 5:53  if you merely want to hear my wet dream of a rap song.

I’m here, I’m queer(not in the badass, I’m gay and I know it way.  More like the not quite well(hm, Trifecta?) in the B-rain kinda way.), get used to(hearing lots of rambling parathesized explanations of my clumsy word usage) it.  Bam, double parenthesized ya.

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2014 Reading Challenge

2014 Reading Challenge
Joules has read 5 books toward her goal of 75 books.