Monthly Archives: February 2012

Friday Fluff – All This Useless Beauty

What badass mamajama started the Friday Fluff craze that’s sweeping the nation?  Lisa from Seeking Elevation, that’s who.  Read her often hilarious, totally irreverent and always honest replies to surveys posted to  And join in.  I double dog dare ya.

This week’s survey was created by:  whii93

flowers, purple, painting, simple, canvas - Purple Flowers II

Art by elisaann


What’s your sexual orientation?

I used to have a t-shirt that said straight, but not narrow.  Pretty much sums it up.  

Do you share your bedroom with someone? If yes, with who??

My husband, our cat and her litterbox.  Mama needs a bigger house.

Do you resemble a famous celebrity?

Because Pangie is awesomesauce on toast, I copied her.  With different, yet equally unsettling results.  

Now, I’ll take Daphne any day of the week.  The Sure Thing, Modern Girls, Spaceballs.  Melrose Place AND One Tree Hill(Did I tell you about my adoraballs little friend who thought OTH was called Montreal?  Zomgs, kewt.)?  And my inner geek is fainting with the awesome of being in any way connected to Buffy Summers.

But Michael fucking Bloomberg?  Hold the phone, stop the presses, insert outmoded exclamatory statement here!  I am confused by him – lifelong Democrat/ran as Republican, Democrat values/Republican fiscal choices, New York city mayor/actor in such films as The Adjustment Bureau and New Year’s Eve.  I also dig him and think his accountability approach has done good, good things for a city that I love so dearly.  But, look like him?  Pshaw, I say.  Pshaw and hell to the no.  But probably more accurate than a 50 year old black man.  Just sayin.

What brand is your mobile?

Oh, you Brits.  Why is every little weirdo thing you say is so freaking sexy.  My mobile is an Apple iphone.  Ooh baby.

What keychains do you have with your house keys?

An awesome owl that my bff gave me when our matching Coach flower keychains died from overuse.  Bonded for life at Woodbury Common Outlet Mall.

Do you drive? If yes, what cars do you own?

I could care less about cars(we have a Honda CR-V that’s older than dirt and a Chevy Trailblazer that isn’t), but I actually love to drive.  Not like the day to day, in and out of the car, errand type driving that is pretty much all I do anymore.  I fucking love road trips.  Although, much less when they involve toddlers or bored husbands.  

I drove from New York to Idaho(I know, what the fuck was I thinking?  I should have been headed in the opposite direction.) by myself and loved every minute.  I used to travel from Portland to Idaho on the regular and looked forward to the drive every time.  There’s something so very therapeutic about hurtling down the road into the night followed by the moon, heart pumping in time with the bass.  

Do you read the newspaper?

No, because I’m not 100.  Save a tree, read the internet.

Is the TV on right now?

No, but Spotify is.  Black Keys.  And, hey y’all?  What is the big freaking deal with Bon Iver?  I mean, it’s pretty but I think my brain fell asleep while listening to it.  It’s like music to drown in an icy stream to.

What song are you hearing right now?

Lonely Boy by the Black Keys.  You’re not much of a listener, are you?  Oh, now it’s Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons.  

Any favorite books you wanna mention here?

I wanna mention The Talisman.  If we’re talking favorites, that is.  I love it so very much.  It has elements of all the shit that floats my particular boat – fantasy, other worlds, multiple storylines and characters, humor, a quest.  I do live in fear of the mini series they have been threatening to make for years.  Some things just don’t translate well to film.  Let’s foster imagination people.  

Are you up-to-date with the latest news on celebrities?

I am sad in all aspects of current events.  I get my all my news second-hand.  I heard of the Demi Moore Whip-it debacle from Lisa.  And let me,as a former young and poor drug using individual, voice my confusion.  Who the fuck does Whip-its when you can afford, and have access to, real drugs?  This is exactly why I don’t read the news.  

Have you ever lied to a best friend?

Probably. I was a drug addict for a long time.  I lied to pretty much everyone.  Nowadays, just the little insignificant things.  Sure, I like your husband.  He’s a great fucking guy.  Those pants?  Make your ass look fat?  Hell naw.

Do you consider yourself intelligent?

I think I’ve answered this question in a prior survey.  Too smart for my own good, not smart enough to figure out how to end this sentence humorously.

Are you a morning person or a night person?

Mornings can suck my ass.  

Do you enjoy doing stuff on your own?

I prefer it.

                                             Limey bullshit love song

Trifecta Challenge – Safe

This post is a response to the weekly writing challenge from Trifecta.  Not only is this a challenge, it’s a competition.  One that comes with the rewards of triumph, increased feelings of self satisfaction and having your wondrous words featured on Trifecta.  Join in and be judged, you know you have the words to kick some literary bootay.

If you have’t already, vote for Trifecta to win a Bloggie for Best New Weblog.  They deserve it and so do you.

This week’s word:  Safe

It was the right thing to do.  Looking back, it was the only real choice.  Locking him down tight, battening those hatches against whatever might come.  Playing cards and calling out for food as if he were an informant in a safe house in some half decent flick played on a loop on premium cable.  When really all he was was busted, like a finger broken and uncared for, left to stiffen and permanently adjust to it’s malady.

Top Ten {Tuesday} – All About Steve

Steve Martin is a great American comedian.  Dude has an Emmy, 4 Grammys, has hosted the Oscars 3 times and SNL 15 times.  He’s been in over 45 movies, many of them high grossing blockbusters.  He’s written novellas, an autobiography, screenplays, plays and movie scripts.  He’s a banjo picking fool who has played the Grand Ole Opry and toured with his bluegrass band.  He’s an all around Renaissance man and complete badass motherfucker.  These are my favorites of the movies he has made.  What are yours?

martinPhoto credit

10.  Grand Canyon – This was the first Steve Martin film in which he was a Serious Actor in a Film That Make You Think.  He was still funny, but far more biting and dark and far less slapstick.  And his character had that Oprah aha moment, although you know the likelihood of someone so purely Hollywood maintaining that level of depth was slim to none.  This movie was also the first for hottie mcbody, Jeremy Sisto.  A little bit o trivia for you.  I’m a giver.

9.  The Man With Two Brains – This movie is pure ridiculous, awesome Stevie M. hilarity.   “Those aren’t assholes. It’s pronounced azaleas.”  Leapin’ lizards, that guy gets me.

8.  Three Amigos – Steve Martin AND Chevy Chase?  Three dudes who think they’re acting in the middle of a gunfight in Mexico?  Yes please, with a side of El Guapo.  And just maybe a plethora of pinatas.

7.  All of Me – Tightass rich chick, Lily Tomlin, inside the body of smooth jazz man/lawyer Steve Martin = comedy gold.  I saw this after The Incredible Shrinking Woman, in which I fell in love with Lily.  All Of Me sealed the deal.  “You’ll have to take it out.  Take what out?  The little fireman.  The little fireman?  You know, my penis.  How dare you say penis to a dead person!”

6.  Little Shop of Horrors – This was the first movie I remember thinking doublya tee effenstein am I watching here, while simultaneously enjoying it.  Steve Martin’s sadistic dentist made the film for me and was exactly what I, as a kid with a mouth too small for all my teeth and an adolescent who suffered through several years of braces, believed all dentists to actually be.

5.  Planes, Trains & AutomobilesNow I love Steve Martin.  Which is kinda like, duh, obvi, because I’m writing a top ten list tribute to the awesome he has thrown down on film.  As much love as I have for old Stevie Boy, I have that plus ten for the Candyman.  John Candy, weirdos.  What sicko would love some freaky killer dude with a hook and some bees more than Steve Martin?

Anywhohow.  Superb John Hughes flick about a man having a run of bad luck trying to get home to his family by any means necessary.  Plus John Candy.  “You know what would make me happy?  A couple more balls and another set of fingers?”  Go watch this.  Like RIGHT NOW.

4.  It’s Complicated – This was an all around lovely little film.  It was fun and jubilant and how could you possibly go wrong with Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin anyway?  Steve Martin’s Adam was sweet and funny and pretty much everything you want a dude to be.  And, spoiler alert, he gets the girl in the end.  Win column.

3.  Parenthood – I’m not sure I have the words to properly convey the magnitude of my deep and abiding affection for this movie.  I found it freaking hilarious back in the late 80′s when I originally viewed it and have enjoyed it just as much and in different ways throughout the million fucking years since then.  It was a perfect movie, which spawned a mediocre show and then a perfect show.  It reminded you that life can suck, and does so often.  That shit is funny, either in retrospect or when it’s happening to someone else.  And also that family is this bizarre, twisted commitment/duty that can be brutal and beautiful all at the same time.

2.  Roxanne – Now if you read Pioneer Woman, and I do like religiously, you’ll know she has an entertainment section on her blog.  And if you read those blog posts, you’ll know she’s been doing this Movie Madness Romantic Comedy showdown thing.  And if you’ve been reading those, you’ll know that Roxanne didn’t make it past the second round.  Neither did Say Anything, but I’m not ready to talk about that yet.  And if you voted against Roxanne then you have helped make me very sad panda.  Perhaps you do not remember the gentle hilarity mixed with the sweet love story.  Perhaps you don’t recall the Keystone Cop like firemen or the eloquence CD throws down while simultaneously kicking some ass.  Perhaps you need to schedule a reminder viewing.

1.  LA Story – I was certain I had already written of my love for this movie, but I can’t find any evidence to prove it.  This is in my top five movies of all time or at least top five comedies.  It has everything that I’m about – whimsy, surrealism, oddball humor.  And it’s about L.A.

I don’t often talk about my time in L.A.  If I do it’s usually less about L.A. itself and more about referencing my time at the evil cult of judgement and restriction.  Which happened to be in Lalaland.  Or at least Lalaland adjacent.  Meaning the Malibu Canyon/Calabasas area.  Which was where our campus was located, but I mostly lived in Canoga Park.  Which is smack dab in the middle of the Valley.  Which makes me a Valley Girl, original gangster style.

So I know a little about the City of the A’s which is why this movie slips right over me like a well-worn glove that knows all of my grooves and slopes.  It’s such a pure little love story in triplicate.  Traditional couple style love, love for this city whose glittery dreams draw people like flies to honey and finding love and passion for life itself.  It’s lovely and silly and fanciful and hopeful.  “There’s someone out there for everyone – even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.”  Yes, even you.

Happy VD, y’all.  Let your mind go and your body will follow.

Check out the other terrific Top Ten Tuesday lists hosted by the lovely Oh Amanda, you won’t regret it!

Dose Of Happy – Sunshine

Over at Band Back Together we’re feeling like we want to junk punch the next person who asks us if we have a case of the Mondays.  So instead of doing the time in the resulting anger management program, we decided to take Monday back.  So we’re linking up our Dose of Happy posts and bringing the awesome back to Mondays.  You can play too.  Now get  your happy on.

Pardon the crappy phone pic, but that is my crazy kid asleep UNDER his hamper.  In what universe does this not make you happy?  One that I want no fucking part of.

Yeah, that’s him post nap, still nudified and happy as a pig in shit inside his hamper.  The word weirdo comes to mind.  So do the words fucking and rad.

Another horrendous phone photo(I swear the kid has a nose) that captured the unadulterated awesome that is my kid.  He rocks the cape and mask OVER the hoodie.  Because obvi.

Hey kid, let the rain fall and the clouds remain.  You ARE my motherfucking sunshine.

Trifextra – Love Scene

As if the Trifecta weekly writing challenge weren’t badass enough, those diabolical editors, both silent and un, are hosting a second weekly challenge, Trifextra.  The rules change each weekend so be sure to check in often so you’ve got the knowledge and the goods to bring it.  Oh, it’s on.

***Reminder to all y’all who have not yet voted, Trifecta is up for a Best New Weblog Bloggie.  If you have an email you can vote.  Do it because you love me, because you love Lisa, because you love writing or reading or things that come in threes.  Just do it.***

This week’s challenge:  write a love scene

The bass was bumping, filling her chest cavity with heavy sound.  Half melted makeup and two strains of sweat mixed, leaving a sweetly metallic impression on the edges of her teeth.  She felt his weight shift against her almost as an afterthought, a hollow image of touch.  She focused on the slightly open vee of his shirt, which carelessly exposed his intentions.

His breath was stilted, he wouldn’t show his true hand if it could be helped.  He ran through the stats again and filed away the big guns for later.  If there was a later.  He took a timid glance, she was like the moon – cool, smooth, hallowed.  Her eyes pinned him, unseeing.  He was suddenly afraid he’d float away without her.

There was something to be said for awkward ministrations, especially when reciprocated.  She recognized the blood driving through her for what it was, for what she had thought she didn’t possess.  He recognized it too, and it set him free.  Her hand curled around his finger and their eyes met, unvarnished.

Save Meme

Help me, I’m caught in a meme loop and I can’t get out!  These unhinged questions are courtesy of Lisa from Seeking Elevation which was inspired by the equally unhinged Chibi Jeebs who led us down this particular rabbit hole.

What’s the last movie you saw that was worth recommending?

Beginners.  I may have raved about it a little.

If you had to suddenly choose another spouse, and you had your pick of anyone in the world, living or dead, who would you pick?

Ewan McGregor.  I may have raved about him a little.

Boxers or briefs?  Or commando?

I used to be all about commando or G strings, which I picked up during my stripper phase.  But now all I can think is stuff rubbing up against other stuff that has no business even being in the same neighborhood.  Hygiene, people.  Bikini briefs.  Boxer briefs for him.

Hand sanitizer: the gel that’s going to save you from a flesh-eating virus or the menace that is creating flesh-eating viruses?

I use organic EO Lemon Hand Sanitizer Gel because I’m from Portland and that’s how we do.  Sanitizer gels are mostly just alcohol which won’t make your germs resistant, but may get them shit-faced.  But I mos def do NOT do antibacterial anything or anything containing triclosan.  Again due to the Portland dirty hippie phenomenon, but also due to the whole preferring my skin not melt off of my body.

If you got to pick one celebrity to be your mom, who would it be?

This scares me as celebrities are not typically known for their nurturing.  I hear they can’t abide wire hangers.  If I have to choose I’ll go with Audrey Hepburn.  She did all that work for UNICEF and wanted so badly to have a ton of kids.  Plus, cha-ching and hello, nurse!

How come you don’t want your mom to be your mom?

There’s not as much cha in her ching, but she’s cool with wire hangers.

Lights on or lights off?

Depends on the day and the position.

When I finally find the right dog to adopt, what should I name it?

You know, Rainbow has grown on me.  There’s like a sweet sort of irony to it.  That or Jack Handey.

Who would you rather have sex with: Richard Simmons or Nancy Grace?  Yes, you have to choose, and no, suicide is not an acceptable answer.

This is a fucking no brainer.  Nancy Grace is an ambulance chasing, sensationalist hose beast.  Richard Simmons all the way, baby.  Although not likely to actually make it all the way.  Which still works out in my favor.

Okay, give us your favorite rant.  We’ll listen to you.

Now that you’re forcing me to think about it, I’ve got nothing.  Any other time I can rave the day away, but I’m totes suffering from raver’s block.  I reserve the right to rave at a later date.

How often do you eat food that you know is fucking terrible for you?
Last night I had pasta in a light cream sauce, artichoke bruschetta and cookie dough for dessert.  While on Weight Watchers.  They are no longer watching.  Can’t blame ‘em.

Do That To Meme One More Time

Chibi Jeebs is one badass Canadian lady.  She performs feats such as moving across territories(?) in no time flat, pinning supa rad shit on the daily and daring fellow bloggers to answer the siren call of another meme.  Because she’s funny and supportive and secretly some sort of superhero, I’m answering her call.  But the meme dies with me because I am just not inventive enough to come up with my own questions.  But if you are in the mood for MOAR, MOAR, MOAR check out Teala’s eleven.

What colour are your underwear right now?

Black.  Boring.  Reality is boring, yo.

What’s your least favourite food?

Any sort of meat or meat based product.  It’s not because I am morally opposed or high and mighty or even healthy.  It’s because I was raised vegetarian and the texture of meat makes me gag.

Does it bother you when I put extra letters in my word? Well, too bad: I’m Canadian, eh?

Hehe.  It does not bother me.  I notice it as a misspelled word in my American English version of spellcheck, but I’m pretty used to it now after conversing so long with all y’all Canadians.  I do think it looks pretty fancy, which goes along with the whole high tea image I have of those from up North.  And now I want a crumpet.  Those are not easy to come by around these parts.

How do you like your eggs?

In my mouth.  Or under a tree.  Also mini.  Definitely deviled.  Scrambled with cheese.  Pretty much any way but runny.  Because ew.

What book are you currently reading? Should I read it?

I’m in between.  I just finished A Visit From the Goon Squad which was badass.  I have been trying to read Lamb: The Gospel According To Biff, but I just can’t get into it.

Did you have an imaginary friend? What was his/her name?

I had a whole host of imaginary friends.  It started with my herd of imaginary horses that I had to care for and exercise every day.  It became a whole community of fairies that lived in the Girl Scout tree on Swan Lake lawn on the campus of the cult where I grew up and now houses the Biggest Loser Ranch.  I really miss those fairies.  Wonder what they’re up to these days.

What is your guiltiest pleasure, keeping in mind I’m Prudy McPruderson, Mayor of Prudeville?

As much as I want to freak your prudish freak the internet is mos def my guiltiest pleasure with Tootsie Rolls and The Voice following close behind.  #oldandlame

If you could have any job in the whole wide world, what would it be?

Blogger.  Like for dolla dolla bills, y’all.  Or gift cards for IHOP.

Do you watch Toddlers & Tiaras?

Hell no, I grew up in Texas.  Those bitches be scary.  You don’t want to have too much on them or you might just go up in a puff of hairspray and fire.

What CD is in your CD player? (Do you still have one of those? If not, what was the last song played on your MP3 player? Should I be listening to them/her/him/it?)

I have a CD player in my car and my laptop plays CD’s, but I usually listen to itunes, Youtube, Spotify or Pandora.  Earlier tonight I played a little Bob Marley for the kid.  He’s a Buffalo Soldier in the heart of America, yo.

Shoes: off at the door, or wear ‘em through the house?

Take them OFF.  PLZ and TY.  I rock these at home.

Women's Daybreak Slides, Dog Motif

Friday Fluff – WWYD

What badass mamajama started the Friday Fluff craze that’s sweeping the nation?  Lisa from Seeking Elevation, that’s who.  Read her often hilarious, totally irreverent and always honest replies to surveys posted to  And join in.  I double dog dare ya.

This week’s survey was created by:  Blankenstein (surprisingly enough no one wanted to take credit for this masterpiece, so I have chosen a name for them)

flowers, purple, painting, simple, canvas - Purple Flowers II

Art by elisaann

 What would you do if:


Stranded in a forest alone

It’s difficult to imagine being stranded anywhere what with all the different ways we have of communicating.  It might actually be nice.  It’s also difficult to imagine being alone.  Like completely alone?  Or alone WITH child?  Because my answers would likely be very different.  One would probably be peaceful and idyllic.  The other might resemble Lord of the Flies.  

Sensed someone stalking you

You suddenly developed superhuman strength

FINALLY.  Jeez.  

You saw a dead cat

When I was a kid at the thrill kill cult we were told to say, back to the Great Central Sun(who apparently now has a Myspace, which has disturbed me in a way only a fellow M.I. survivor can truly understand.  I mean, get with the program, GCS, Facebook is where it’s at for recruiting sheep these days.), when we killed a bug or saw a dead animal.  I’m not exactly sure what this was supposed to do for the poor creature.  Probably something to do with preparing them for the next incarnation.  I still worry about the state of their soul should I forget.  

You saw a dead human

When I was young and stupid and high on life(drugs), I had a friend who briefly dated some dude that worked at a funeral home in downtown Houston.  We spent some after hours time X’ing(what we called it before rolling, kids) our balls off in a place crawling with dead bodies.  Which hopefully were not actually crawling.  Bee tee dubbenstein, my love of zombies is highly romanticized and in no way an indication of my actual thoughts and/or actions should the bastards begin to roam the land.

Anyway, those dead bodies were not cool.  They were sad, old peeps.  They creeped me out and did not mix well with the peaceloveandunderstanding of a person in the grips of an Ecstasy high.  Word to the wise, do NOT use the dead, or the undead for that matter, as a tool of the woo.  It’s not taking you anywhere you want to go.  

Someone anonymously send a love note

Is someone sending it to me?  Am I sending it?  

If someone sent it to me I’d think, aw geez, how nice.  And then fixate on who it could be from until I figured it out or bled out the ears trying.  If I sent it to someone, I’d probably be in the market for a good divorce attorney.  Either situation ends in shit.  Love can kill, yo.

You become blind

That would suck, dude.  I would miss a lot of shit.  But I guess I would adapt.  There are a shit ton of resources out there for peeps that are differently abled.  

But hopefully I would go all Daredevil minus the whole revenge/vigilante thing.  Super senses and a kick ass crime fighting costume are kind of my dream come true.

The creepy thing is that I am currently listening to Sesame Street which is all about eyes today.  Is this ominous?  I can’t tell anymore.  

Your car breaks down beside a graveyard

Call AAA.  Assess the perimeter for the undead.  

Your bestfriend calls you at 4am

Smack a bitch.  Realistically I wouldn’t hear it so I wouldn’t be able to deal with it until the morning.  Fyi, if you really need something at 4am call someone else.  

You could bring back anyone from 6 feet under

I have read all of Stephen King’s early books like seventeen times.  I know how this story ends and I’m not ready to be a ironic example of stupidity quite yet.

Someone kept staring at you

Twitch uncomfortably, sneak glances at them, fixate on why they must be staring, end up screaming Doublya Tee Effers wildly across the room.

Someone ate your lunch

Why you do this?  My belleh is so empteh.

You’re at a stranger’s funeral

Be respectful, give my sympathies to the family, bring food, feel incredibly uncomfortable, leave quickly.

You got 100 free spray cans

Of what?  Is this a drug thing?  Because I gave that shit up in the early 90′s.  Or is this a tagger thing?  Because I never picked that shit up.  Either way I’m probably giving it away because I have no use or room for it.

A horse came chasing after you